Native English speakers have no right to complain...

So there I am at the orphanage, minding my own business; when I get asked by a fairly advanced student of English; why don’t the English words “come” and “home” sound alike if they look alike? Good question. My short answer is always, “Because I didn’t make the rules!” If it were up to me, we wouldn’t have things like: There, Their, They’re; or Two, Too, To; or Pear, Pair, Pare; or Write, Wright, Right… That’s just wrong!
When I’m listening to my friends Janaka, Roy or Christina struggle with their English pronunciation, I’m always reminded of the David Sedaris essay: Me talk pretty one day.
(Ooooooh, the grammar checker didn’t like that one bit!) He is a brilliant comedic writer and his books are laugh out loud funny.
Seriously, how the hell did I ever learn English? It’s a wacky language. At least in Sinhala, the letters correspond directly to sounds. Once you know your letters, you can speak it. (Bearing firmly in mind that unless you learn the meaning of the words, you could still have no idea what you’re saying) There’s this really strange thing happening to me, I’m starting to understand spoken Sinhalese. Lately, when Lino and Janaka are yukking it up in Sinhalese, I laugh in all the right places. I actually understand what they are talking about sometimes with absolutely no contextual reference. I mentioned this to Dani, and she reminded me of the conversations she has been having with her aunts’ maid, Chandra. When they speak, Chandra carries on in Sinhalese and Dani speaks in English, and they seem to understand each other perfectly. Odd that.
Due to years of French classes in pursuit of my B.A., I have a ton of latent French lurking just beneath the surface as well. (Merci, Mme. Siegel) When I’m flustered, my instructions to a tuk-tuk driver can be a bit…um…idiomatic. Instead of saying: “turn right here.” or “la droite de turn ici” or “dhah-ku-nah-tah har-ren-nah” sometimes it comes out as “ turn dhah-ku-nah-tah ici”. Since I barely comprehend it myself, this absolutely guarantees that no one else will understand a thing I say. What they do understand is that they need to get rid of the insanely laughing white woman asap.
I have a very unflattering picture of me, (I am not sharing) in obvious distress, caught red-handed trying to explain the vagaries and vicissitudes of the English language to a 16 year old. ( this thanks to a Japanese relief worker that took the picture and wasted a ton of bandwidth to send it to me...) I always start by complimenting them on the insightful nature of their original question, at which point I ask them to repeat it. This usually gives me time to ramble through my mental rolodex of grammar rules. More often than not, I can actually come up with a better answer than, “Blame the British…there’s one now…”
“Okay kids, always remember, ‘I before E except after C…uh, forget that with neighbor and weigh’; ‘the principal is your –pal-’; never end a sentence with a preposition and don’t split your infinitives, it’s rude.” Reviewing vocabulary words is always a convenient fall back position:
Comb…Tomb…D’oh!